Fear. It's a Scary Thing.

Maddie is sick. Again. It feels like her illnesses are never ending. This time, she has a fever. And a cough. And a cold. And she won't eat. Just like every other time she's been sick over the last four months. And it's wearing on me. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. I'm confused. But most of all, I'm afraid. Not afraid that her fever won't get better. Not afraid that her cough won't improve and her cold won't go away. Not afraid that she's underweight. Not even afraid that her breathing will get worse again. I'm afraid to lose her. Don't get me wrong; I know that there is very little chance that there is some unyielding, evil disease lurking below the surface of my baby. But when she has constantly been sick for so long, the fear starts to set in. Not a timid, gentle fear. A thick, heavy, intense fear that crushes me, to the point where I can physically feel it suffocating me. And my daughter can sense my fear. Tonight, after I'd given her some ibuprofen to try and lower her temperature, Maddie looked me in the eyes and said, "Don't worry, Mama. I won't worry". When I promised her that I wouldn't worry, she looked my in the eyes very seriously and said, "Don't cry, Mama." And I wasn't crying. Not yet.

My fear is centered around the unknown more than anything else. Right now, my life is certainly more planned than it was a few weeks ago, when I was sitting at home, in Wickenburg, wondering where life would take us next. Maddie was sick, we didn't know where we would be living, we didn't have a job, we didn't know how we could keep our insurance which we desperately need. Through that difficult period, I had more faith than I've ever had before. I believed that God would point us in the right direction, put us in the right place, and meet our needs. And He did. I don't know why this fear has overwhelmed me today, when we've always been okay. It's not pleasant. It's not comfortable. It's not how I want to feel. I don't want my daughter to have to comfort me when she so desperately needs my comfort. But this fear...it's hard to shake. It's hard to let go of. It's hard to believe that my daughter will be okay when she seems to NEVER be okay. So, for tonight, I'm going to be afraid. I'm going to be really, really scared. I'm going to imagine every mystery illness, every worst case scenario, every one of my worst nightmares. And then tomorrow? Well, tomorrow I think I'll let someone else worry about those things. So tomorrow? God, you're it.

Four Months Old

Today, my little man, William Joseph, turned four months old. The last four months have been full of ups and downs, but I just can't believe how much richer my life is since he's joined us.

A few highlights of his first four months:
1. We met Will fact to face on February 5th; he weighed a hefty 8 lbs, 4 oz.
2. He came out looking JUST like his Daddy, with the faux-hawk and all, but now looks more like Mommy.
3. At two weeks old, Will was admitted to the hospital for 10 days for a kidney infection, which turned out to be the result of severe kidney reflux.
4. Will takes antibiotics daily to keep from getting another infection.
5. Will is a VERY healthy little guy, weighing almost as much as his 20 month old sister.
6. Will can roll from his front to his back.
7. Will can roll from his back to his front.
8. He smiles and his whole face lights up.
9. His giggle is infectious.
10. He only has eyes for his Mama.
11. Will loves his caterpillar toy, and has started to grab it and bring it to his mouth.
12. Will spits up more than any baby I've ever met.
13. Will eats more than any baby I've ever met.
14. He has the Brown booty and the Cramer thighs...poor kid.
15. He recently found his feet and loves to play with them.
16. Much of Will's baby hair has fallen out...he's just left with a permanent mohawk.
17. He LOVES the water and to soak in the bath.
18. He had a swollen eye at around three months that scared me half to death...it turned out to be a blocked tear duct.

The list could endlessly go on. I'm constantly amazed by my little man. He's rolly polly, cuddly, adorable, sweet, and we are so blessed that he is a part of our family.

Here is was four months ago



Here he is today

Who Says You Can't Go Home?

On Memorial Day, I left Wickenburg, the town which became my home, to return to my childhood home in Albany, OR. The trip took three days, countless hours, and sent my kids, my Dad, and I through four states. The trip itself? Long. Very long. I do NOT recommend traveling 1300 miles with two small children under any circumstance. That said, my kiddos are troopers and did far better than I thought they would (and far better than I did, for that matter).

Since I've been back, I've been thinking...I love coming home to Oregon because no matter how much the town changes, no matter how much I change, no matter how much my family changes, home is still home. Since I left Albany after high school, the town really, truly has changed. It's grown. It's flourished. It's struggled. Sometimes as I drive around, things seem so unfamiliar. And then I step into my parent's house, and that's all forgotten. I feel safe. I feel protected. I feel loved. It's such a relief to know that I will always have this place to come to. Unconditionally.

Wickenburg, and our home there, started to become this same safe haven for me. I had a community of people there who I really could count on. My husband has a group of guys he enjoys. My daughter had some great friends, one in particular, who she really knows and loves. I found some great friends, one in particular, who I really know and love. And then we had to pick up and leave. Now that I'm a mother, I desperately want to provide my children and family with a home like I've been so blessed to have. I want roots. I want a place where we stay for our whole lives, where my family always feels safe, comfortable, protected...where they feel home.

As I look toward our new life in Texas, my heart hopes that this is it. That maybe, just maybe, we'll have found our home. Our permanent home. One that we'll be able to love and grow into.

For me, home has always been Oregon. Now? Now I hope that the Brown family plants firm roots so our kids can alway, always come home.

Here are a few of my favorite pictures from our very, very long trip.

Moving On Up...

Today marks the last day that I will be an Arizona resident. I am a mess of emotions. Happy, sad, grateful, resentful, hopeful, terrified, brave, cowardly, faithful, fearful...loved. When I came to Wickenburg on March 28, 2006, I had no intention to stay. I figured I would go through treatment and go back to life in Oregon as I knew it. Instead, I stayed for more than four years. I came to town defeated, broken, a shell. I came alone. I didn't know myself, I didn't know my family, I had few friends who would still put up with me, I didn't know God. I came with my suitcase and my dreams of a better life.

Four years later, I'm leaving. Finally. But I'm leaving with so much more than I arrived with. In Wickenburg, I met my husband. In Wickenburg (and Buckeye), I met my children. In Wickenburg, I was reintroduced to my family. Since coming here, I've been reacquainted with God. I've met some of the dearest and truest friends I could ask for. But most importantly, I've gotten to know myself. Not the self I hoped I'd be, or the self that I wanted to be. Just me. And that me is okay today.

As I sit here, on my bed, between my kids, I can see out into my backyard, and beyond that, into Wickenburg. I can hear the birds chirping through our open window. I can see the boxes full of our things, ready to be moved to a completely different place. A new town awaits. With different birds. I guess the things that really matter will still be here though. I'll still be able to sit on my bed, between my kids as they rest peacefully.

I never, ever would have guess how much this small, sleepy town has given me. I will forever look to this time in my life with a smile. I came with my suitcase, and I'm leaving with my life.

Bubbles

Today was yet another day of firsts for my sweet little baby. Except that with every passing day, I Maddie is less and less my little baby, and more and more her own child. I'm happy, I'm sad. It's such a blessing that Maddie is growing up to be such an independent, smart, and sassy girl. But it's just happening too quickly. I sound like a broken record, but I'm just repeatedly amazed at Maddie's progress.

Enough with the gushing...on to our day. First of all, Maddie sprung a tooth! This is her third tooth to date...This one happened to be the right, front, top tooth. I'm SO grateful that Maddie's chomper finally popped. The last couple days have been totally miserable because Maddie's poor gums were pink, swollen, and I can only imagine that they've been shockingly painful. We haven't slept well the last couple nights, which is what I expect when Maddie is teething. I mean, really. If it was me, I'd be kicking, screaming, biting, asking for something for the pain, and cursing the world. Maddie, on the other hand, handles her pain like a champ; there's a little extra drool, a few extra nibbles, and a lack of sleep, but other than that, Maddie seems normal. What a trooper!

The tooth is AWESOME, but the even better part of our day happened in the bathtub. I feel like everything neat that happens in our life happens in the bath...I already knew that I had a water baby, but I'm starting to really realize how MUCH of a water baby she is. We took our daily shower today (I have to stick Maddie on the floor of our shower while I'm showering so she doesn't seriously injure herself or someone else), and it was just as much fun as always! Maddie always takes her pink ducky into the shower, and we sing duck songs while we're washing up. (Oh, yes. Maddie and I are super, duper shower singers). Anyway, I digress. My story has nothing to do with the shower, and instead takes place in the bath.

We all know that Maddie LOVES the water, right? She splishes and splashes like a little duckling. When I could get a splash in edgewise, I showed Maddie how to blow bubbles in the water. This was not the first time I'd demonstrated how to blow bubbles, but Maddie seemed more interested tonight. After I did it once, I noticed how closely Maddie was watching me. So I did it again! And worked hard to emphasize how I was blowing the bubbles. Then...all of a sudden...Maddie just stuck her face in the water and blew bubbles!! I was so sure I'd seen wrong, but she did it again, and again, and again! Matt saw her a few times too! The last time she tried, Maddie blew a LOT of bubbles, and then tried to inhale...Oops. She swallowed a good lungfull of water, but then recovered and went right back to splashing. What a trooper.

I can't imagine feeling any more blessed than I do today. I've got the most amazing daughter!!

Amazing Love

I am so blessed to be Maddie's Mama. Today was probably my favorite time I've spent with her to date. We spent time reading, playing in the pool, playing with our kitties, and playing in the bath. I can't quite do justice to our experience, but I'll do my best.

Maddie loves her baths. Every night before bed, I turn on the bath water in our master bathroom. As soon as Maddie hears the water crashing, she comes crawling over with a silly grin on her face. She's almost too excited, as she stands up at the edge of the tub, trying to crawl in. Since the tub is taller than she is, Maddie just grabs everything on the edge that she can and squeals with delight.

Tonight was no different; Maddie was exhausted from our busy day but thrilled for her bath time, nonetheless. We got into the tub, and I gave Maddie a couple of her bath toys. Rather than play with her purple octopus or her little orange whale, Maddie just splashed. She splashed herself, she splashed me, she splashed her toys, and she splashed the bathtub.

After we'd been playing for about ten minutes, I gave Maddie her favorite toy of all, the red, plastic, disposable picnic cup. This cup is literally Maddie's favorite. She crinkles it and gets a great sound from it. She fills it up with water and then pours it out. She chews on the cup. She introduces the cup to her other bath friends. She loves this cup. Maddie took a bit of time to reacquaint herself and the cup, and then she did the most amazing thing. She shared it. Maddie would chew on her precious cup for a few seconds, and then she put it in my mouth so I could chew on it with her. We took turns for a good five or ten minutes. Nothing made her happier than to see me enjoying her cup as much as she did. The whole time she was "feeding" me, her eyes were filled with joy and mine were filled with tears and pride. I can't believe that I am blessed with such an amazing little girl. When we got bored of chewing on the cup, Maddie figured out how to play peekaboo with it. All of a sudden, Maddie put her face into the cup as far as she could. In fact, she was so fascinated with the inside of the cup, she went a bit cross eyed. She looked around for me, and realized she couldn't see me, so she quickly pushed the cup away from her face, and I giggled and screeched, "Peekaboo"! Well, Maddie caught on immediately, and we played peekaboo for the rest of the bath! If I didn't respond with appropriate enthusiasm, she would give me this, "Come on mom, you can do better" look, and of course, I did.

It's so strange to me that something so seemingly small can create this rush of emotion. My heart is overflowing with pride, happiness, love, and awe. I can't believe that my little girl isn't just a baby anymore. I can't believe what an intelligent, fun, outgoing, and BUSY little girl I have. I'm so grateful that I had today. I can't wait to see what tomorrow holds for her.

Our Trip to Oregon

It's been awhile since I wrote, so as you can imagine, there's a lot to say. We've been extremely busy: we moved to Wickenburg, I had to take care of my sick kitty, Buster (who ended up having to be put to sleep), I've worked hard to be a good mom and wife, and of course, Maddie and I took a much-needed trip up to Oregon.

Our trip was wonderful! First of all, Maddie is a pro at air travel. On the way up, we were seated in our row, Maddie started to do her, "I'm tired" screaming thing, and then we lifted off and...silence and sleep. Maddie literally slept from take-off to landing. Perfect! On the way home, she didn't sleep the WHOLE time, but she was quiet and loved looking out the window and reading her books, so the trip back to Arizona was just as good.

We spent three days at the beach during the first week of our trip. Maddie had many firsts: her first trip to an aquarium, her first splash in a swimming pool, and her first time with her toes on a sandy beach. We had a wonderful time.

Maddie was considerably awed by the aquarium. The first fish tank she saw prompted an open-mouthed stare down. I think in the end, the fish won, because I had to show Maddie all the other neat things. We saw the jellyfish, the fish, the OddWater exhibit, AND we got to touch things. I "helped" Maddie reach into the touch pools so she could experience the unique sliminess of the skates, the stickiness of the anenomes, the hard shells of the abolones, and the cool salt water. She's a very tactile baby, so she really enjoyed feeling things. By the time we got to the shark tubes, which I know she would have loved, Maddie had about had it. She was a very tired and cranky baby. So what's a mom to do? I put her down on the floor, of course, and let her crawl all over the glass. I like to think that she was intrigued by the sharks and fish, but more realistically, I think she saw the reflection of the lights and herself. Either or, she was happy.

The swimming pool that we played in was outside (yes, in Oregon, in the spring), and it was COLD. Maddie was a good sport, and put on her swimming suit and a swim diaper for the first time, but we didn't last long.

On this trip, we also got the chance to see Grace and her sweet little boy, Zeke. It was so neat to watch the two interact and play off one another. I'm still hoping that Maddie (and I!!!) will make some friends like that here.

Like every trip to Oregon, this one was wonderful and FAR too short.